Disciplining Teenagers
Friday, July 22, 2011 at 03:29PM 
I'll just say it straight out. You can't.
No. I'm actually being serious. You can't discipline a teenager.
You know why?
Because you can't win.
Think about any scenario where you try to discipline your teenager and they are dead set on disobeying you. What are you going to do about it? Tie them to a chair? If your teenager wants to do something, they'll find a way to do it, whether you like it or not.
Now you're thinking. "Great! So now what do I do?!"
Right?
Wrong.
I said you can't discipline your teenager, I didn't say you can't control your teenager.
They key to controlling kids in their teens comes in the years leading up to their teens.
The key is respect.
If they respect you, they will listen to you. Consider what you have to say, view you as a rational, fair person with their best interests at heart.
If your kids can't stand you by the time they hit their teens you are up a creek. Seriously. Not only will they do whatever they want, they'll go out of their way to do things just because they know they will drive you crazy or embarrass you.
The best time to start controlling your teenager is when they're not a teenager. It's when they're in middle school. Transitioning out of the role of firm disciplinarian, which is very appropriate when they're very small, into the role of someone who explains things and the reasons for them.
Someone who treats them and their ideas with respect.
Someone who carefully considers their wishes and requests. Someone who, when you must say no to them, has a reasonable explanation, along with an attitude of sympathy for their disappointment.
The other thing I really want to throw in here is that during their teens there will be things you want to say no to just because they're a pain. Telling them they can't go to a party, that would require you getting out of bed at midnight to pick them up, just because you don't want your sleep interrupted is not being fair or reasonable.
Unless you have genuine concerns about what might be going on at that party, go to bed at 10:30, set your alarm for midnight and get your butt out of bed and into that cold car and go pick them up. The teens are a time of fun, a time of late nights and friends. Live with it. Just because you're not in the mood for something is not a justifiable reason to say no. Those are the kind of things that will make your kids crazy and make them resent you.
The more your teenagers can see you as someone who understands them, the more they will be willing to obey you. Please don't misunderstand me, I am not telling you to be their buddy. Not telling you to try to dress like them or adopt their slang. Please don't, it's embarrassing.
I am telling you to treat them as you would your peers. Kindly, respectfully. Enjoy them during these years. They're at a very fun age. An age when you can start sharing interests. Music, video games, sports, shopping. This is the time when you can begin to set the foundation for your relationship with them as adults. One of mutual respect, common interests and a sense of belonging and being loved.
The teens are hard years. Harder for them than for you. Be understanding. Err on the side of kindness. Remember that if they snap at you they might have failed a test, been broken up with, be feeling hormonal. The teens are tricky, for parents and for kids. Take a position of tenderness and compassion, stand firm when you have to say no, giving rational and fair reasons for it and they will respect you and be all the more willing to obey you.
More on parenting;
A Thousand Drops
Daddy's Little Girl
A Love Letter to Motherhood
Reader Comments (2)
I love this. As a mom of a pre-teen (12) to my boy - I'm actually looking forward to these years for us. Its been hard work up until now with the planting of values, morals and understand of consequence. We do respect each other, and I also find myself starting to say no to a request of his and then when I say yes, he says "really?" with a smile on his face :) Its a time of learning and growing for both of us and I like what you said about err on the side of compassion and kindness. Not thinking it will be without its bumps through the years, but he has a great foundation to build on. Thanks Shonna!
I'm excited for you Tera. The teens are often maligned. I loved my time w/ my girls in their teens, you start to get a glimps of the adult they'll be come. It's like meeting your future best friend.
It's wonderful to hear such a positive view of the teens, and to know within yourself that you've laid a good foundation for your child. It's wonderful to look yourself in the mirror and know you're doing well at such a very important job.
Good for you! Keep it up! You have a very fortunate son. :)
Hugs,
Shonna