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Sunday
Jun182017

Men Are Simple Creatures

Men Are Simple Creatures.

That's not an insult.  Men are simple creatures!  If only we women were as straight forward as men, the world would be a much easier place to live!

When I was getting married my mother-in-law told me, "Men are simple creatures, feed them, respect them and love them, and they're happy."  We've been married twenty-eight years now, and almost 3 decades I wouldn't disagree with her.

A dear friend recently reminded me of a very instructive and insightful book, that I had read years earlier, on the topic of understanding and living with our husbands,  Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands."  Now whether you remember Dr. Laura from her radio show, which aired from 2000 - 2010, and whether or not you're a fan, (many people found her abrasive), you can't dispute, the woman had some good points.  Basic, straight to the point, unvarnished and often offensively delivered - insightful advice.  Personally I prefer her in written form, because I like what she has to say, but not how she says it.

In the portion I'm reading currently, a caller to her radio program, who is happily married describes her husband and her marriage;

"Men really are not as complicated as we think they should be.  Men love to hear that their woman is happy and that they are the source of this happiness.  Men deserve the same respect you would show a visitor in your home - even more…  I always thank my husband for working so hard for us, and I encourage the kids to do so too.  

Men are grumpy when they are tired or hungry.  Anything they say while they are in either one of these states is not to be taken seriously.

Men don't like it when women talk about them behind their backs.  Men are not your 'daddies,' they are your contemporaries and get stressed and scared about things just like you do…  Men have dreams too, and it doesn't matter if it's logical or not, don't walk all over them. 

(I'm not saying) we don't have problems - everyone does - but it's a lot easier to work them out with a man who knows you love and respect him." 

If you're new to marriage or are still learning how to speak man, trust me, this is very sound advice.  Simply put, he has certain ways of saying and understanding things, he has certain needs, if they're met, and he feels loved and respected, he'll be happy, and love you devotedly.

To go through them;

He means what he says  ~ No more, no less.  It's highly unlikely that there is a hidden agenda in what your husband is telling you.  "I don't thinking I'm going to want to go out Friday night."  Probably means he has a busy week and knows he's going to be tired by the weekend, and just wants to stay home with you and watch Netflix.  It probably does not mean, "I know you're going to want to go out with your best friend and her husband, I don't like her, and he's a blow hard, so I'm pre-emptively telling you that I don't want to go out, so I won't have to go out with them."  He didn't say that.  He didn't mean that.  He's not trying to ruin your social life or drive a wedge between you and your friends, he's just tired.  Take it at that, and move on.

He does not understand what you think was implied.   ~  If you need to pick something up on the way out to dinner, say to him, "I need to pick something up on the way to dinner, can we leave an extra 10 minutes early?"  Not, "We need milk for the morning," and then get annoyed when he's still on the couch, not dressed for dinner, 20 minutes early.  Leaving the house tonight, and milk at breakfast have no correlation in his mind, in fact, even though he'll probably nod when you tell him, in his mind he's thinking, what does milk have to do with anything right now???

If it takes 10 minutes to get to dinner, and all he needs to do is change and brush his teeth, he's not getting off the couch until 12 minutes before you have to be out the door.  Men like things simple, specific, clear.  Remember "implied" is not in his vernacular.

Respect is how men receive love.   ~   The bible says, "Men love your wives, women respect your husbands."  I've heard it said that this is because respect is how men receive love.  Remember, your husband is not another one of your children.  He's not to be nagged and scolded, or for you to roll your eyes at.  Ever, but especially in front of your children.  Nothing will crush a man's spirit quicker, and drive his affections away from you, than disrespecting him.  

Treat him with respect.  Honour his way or hearing and understanding what you are trying to say, and you'll get a lot farther.  Honour the unique, masculine things he brings to the marriage, these things are not to be forgotten or taken for grated, anymore than the talents and gifts you contribute should be.  He is a man, not a bumbling cartoon character who needs to you guide him through life, honour him, treat him like he's valuable and with respect, outside of the bedroom, this is his love language.

Feed him.  ~   If you're a full time at home mother, or even if you work part time but the home is your responsibility, so is the food.  This is not to be taken as insulting or demeaning.  Cooking is not a slam against you or a commentary on your value as a human being.  It's simply a daily requirement of every home, one that takes an inordinate amount of planning, shopping, prepping, labour and clean up.  Schedule time for this.  If dinner didn't just fall out of the fridge yesterday, it's highly unlikely it will tomorrow.   

With the internet being common place, there has never been more available information on the subject of meal planning, efficient grocery shopping techniques, meal preparation and nutrition.  With all the crockpot "dump dinners" and suggestions for menu planning on Pinerest, and every possible celebrity chef posting their recipes on line, there is absolutely no excuse for claiming ignorance when it comes to providing timely, nutritional meals for your husband and family.  Breakfast, lunch and dinner are just going to keep happening day after day, best not to live in denial and just get a handle on it.

And please don't ask your husband to "just pick a few things up," on his way home.  The shopping, as well as the cooking is your job, not his, he has a job and I'm guessing he doesn't call you up to come help him out with it.  Make a list of the things you need on an on going basis and keep them stocked, if you're out of milk, then you need to plan better.  Make  notes of the meals you're going to need this week and schedule your time accordingly.  Feeding not only you husband, but your family, keeps everyone happy.  

Men like sex.  You're married.  Have sex with your husband.  ~  The end.  Don't act like it's a bother.  Don't always be too tired.  Don't have a get it over with attitude.  I knew a woman who said, "I tell my husband, 'Just put my nightie down when you're done.'"  They're divorced now.  No.  I'm not blaming their divorce on her attitude in this one part of their marriage, there were many issues, but it was certainly a tell tale symptom of how far she'd gone from understanding, or caring, about what is important to a man.  If you have to, schedule sex.  Now, personally I find that rather insulting and unromantic.  "I know you want it, and I'm too busy to be bothered, but put it on the calendar and I'll oblige you."  But that doesn't mean you can't decide, silently in your own mind, that it's been too long and you really need to make sure it happens within the next 24 hours, and plan your evening around it.  It also let's you mentally unwind, so you can be emotionally present, and not just rush into bed still frantic from everything you had going on right before hand.  

Sex is a big part of a man's level of happiness and satisfaction in marriage and life, don't fall into the habit of belittling this very real need.


And that's it.  The end of my men are simple post.  Plain and simple.

 

Oh, and Dr. Laura also mentions in her book, that in all her years of hosting and counselling, not one man has ever said he was offended to be called "simple."  :)

 

 

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